At 10:15pm I left work, got into my car, and disrobed.

Looking over my list today for All New Things to do, I came across this suggestion from Trish: Drive naked. I didn’t remember reading it before, and it actually made me laugh out loud. And considering I just spent five months writing for a show in which one of the main characters was a naked trucker, it seemed only fitting that I give it a try.

It’s one thing to decide you’re going to drive naked while sitting by your computer. It’s another to be in the parking lot late at night, struggling out of your pants.

I was terrified. I took off all my clothes and got ready to leave. I recalled something in my driver’s ed that said you had to wear shoes when driving, so I kept those on. I wasn’t sure about the rest of the body, but I was certain if I got pulled over by a cop it would either go very very poorly, or surprisingly very very well. I buckled up and started the ignition.

Then I remembered that I had to have photographic proof for the website. Now, I’m not the type to take snapshots my own wang - it already controls enough of my actions, I don’t want it getting an ego. So I tried a few times setting my camera on the dashboard on timer.

About the fourth or fifth time I did this, I noticed to my right a security guard, apparently assigned to patrol the lot, walking towards my car, no doubt interested in the strange flashes of light coming from within. Faster than you can say Luke And Bo Duke, I peeled out of that lot.

I spent the first few minutes of the drive avoiding pulling up near SUVs or any car that might have a birds-eye view of my Ford Focus, lest somebody peer down and see my shifter. I stared straight ahead and pretended like the public radio story on Canadian provinces’ tourism boards was incredibly interesting to me. I went down a less-busy street in hopes that it would have less people spying, and less cops trolling.

And here is what’s shocking about driving in LA: within five minutes, I was completely comfortable. I have spent more time in that car than any given job, and it was a second home to me. Sure, I had never felt the car seat pattern so… intimately before. But it didn’t feel weird. I even got brave enough snap another shot. Entirely safe for work, of course.

I was feeling good as I pulled into my neighborhood. Then I realized something with a shock: I was pulling into my neighborhood. It’s a residential area, with people walking their dogs or just hanging out by the curb. There was no way I could park naked, let alone get changed back into my clothing. Like many a mismanaged war, I had neglected to come up with an exit strategy.

After a few moments of frenzied driving, I found a street five or so blocks away that was somewhat secluded. I panicked a moment when I turned off the car and the interior light came on, a spotlight in the darkness that screamed “Hey! Check out the naked dude!” But I quickly turned it off, slithered back into my clothes, and made my way home.

I do not intend to drive naked again. But be warned, you never know when I’m going to be posting in the buff. But when you see me get a little free-wheelin’ with the adverbs, let your wild imaginations roar.

–opus