I’ve been in pretty good spirits lately. But sometimes I get a little bummed. So I saw this product in the store and figured I’d give it a test.

It’s an herbal remedy based on Mustard Flower extract that supposedly cheers one up. Because any time you see anybody with Grey Poupon, they’re happier than a monkey in a poo-throwing contest.

The package says that it is a “natural alternative to bring back joy and cheerfulness when gloom descends for no obvious reason.” So if you have an obvious reason for gloom, sorry Charlie, there’s no help for you. Maybe bonk yourself on the head with a tire iron a few times, then you may forget the reason, and then you are allowed to use this product.

The ‘remedy’ itself is in four small bubbles, and the instructions say to mix that with water and “sip throughout the day.” Then repeat that process. For three days.

I’m sorry, but if gloom has descended for no apparent reason, three days is not the window of time I need to fix the problem. Halfway through day two I’d be jumping off a bridge and willing the remaining two bubbles of mustardy stuff to my next of kin.

I popped one in a glass of water. Smelled a little alcohol-y, but once it was in the water, it didn’t taste like much at all. Which is good, I wasn’t really into the idea of drinking Mustardade.

I gave it an hour. Yeah, I know. I’m supposed to take one a day for three days, but… i’m impatient with my gloom. I want cheeriness! I moved up to two bubbles in a glass of water.

An hour later - still nothing. No cheeriness. Time for a direct attack. I squirted the final bubble of mustard stuff right into my mouth.

Damn. Kinda tasty, actually. I wonder what’s in this stuff, besides Mustard Flower?

A little internet research reveals this wikipedia page for Bach Flower Remedies. Turns out Edward Bach came up with the idea in the 1930s, and that they contain a small amount of flower extract suspended in Brandy. Brandy! No wonder that was so tasty! No wonder it is supposed to cheer you up! Turns out I’ve been doing itsy-bitsy mini-shots at my desk at work!

I don’t think it did much of anything, to be honest. But later that night, I was not feeling so well after an argument with somebody I hold dear. But I called up a friend, who came over and hugged me. It helped quite a bit. Sorry, Edward Bach - that’s the real mood enhancer for gloom.

Mom, Dad, those with delicate constitutions - you may want to look away now.

Perhaps you have seen the commercials for Dr. Scholl’s Gel-Flavored Delicious Shoo-Lining Things. In it, a group of white folks stand around, asking each other what is possibly the worst slogan of all time: “Are you gellin’?”

Then, to compound the problem, the white people (and their token black friend) respond in rhyme, something like this.

Chad Whitington: Are you gellin’?
Muffy Paley: And eating melon!
Bryce Caucasio: I’m easter bellin’!
Jerome Onyx: I just returned from the body of water south of Chile and north of Isla Grande de Tierra del Fuego that’s known as the Strait of Magellan’!
Lisa Left-Eye Lopez: Ever since I was convicted of arson, I can be considered a felon’!
(they all laugh)

What any of this has to do with shoe-inserts is anybody’s guess. But I have a pair of sneakers I really love, despite the fact that shoddy third-world child labor apparently didn’t make them very durable:

The shoes in question - note the considerable holes.

They’ve fallen apart to the point where they’re no longer very comfortable. But because they used to be comfortable, I continue to wear them, in memory of the way they used to be. (This very same principle is what keeps more marriages together)

Enter Dr. Scholl and his gel inserts:

Please note: Promises of “Outrageous” Comfort

Today I decided not only to wear Dr. Scholl’s Magic Gelly-Filled Shoe Funslabs, but also to answer all questions as to my well being with the cool yet ridiculous reply: “I’m Gellin’”

So far five people have asked how I’m doing, and five times I’ve answered with, “I’m Gellin’.” Nobody once responded with a clever rhyme, which is disappointing in itself. I have a list of rhymes ready for people if they needed help, but it was worse than that. It was almost like nobody even cared what I said in response to their “How are you today?” I could have said “Tire iron” and they would have just nodded and said “Good, good” and went on their way.

Luckily, I didn’t need the interest of co-workers, thanks to the “Outrageous Comfort” of Dr. Scholl’s Big Fun Shoe-filling Gel-Things. Thanks to them, i went from this:

Before

…to this:

After

Thank you, Dr. Scholl’s. You’ve made a tiny difference in my life. And sometimes that’s all that matters.

–opus

Stick this in your ear (and smoke it):

I’m at work now, with 12 “HoMedics Thera•P Magna-Dots” attached to my back. First I would like to suggest that the name “HoMedics” does not, to me, imply medication to be taken in the home, or homeopathic medicine. It says to me the medics were made by hos. And I don’t trust hos with any of my body parts, as a rule.

The instructions were vague:

Apply to affected area. Depending on size of the treatment area, two or more Magna-Dots may be applied.

And that’s about it. Put them where you hurt, pretty much. So I stuck these little band-aids with magnets in ‘em all over the right side of my back. Because the phrase “two or more” includes pretty much every number except “one”, I decided to put a whole sheet on my back. But in order to appear scientific (which “HoMedics Thera•P Magna-Dots” certainly hasn’t worried about) I put them only on the right side of my back. That way I have a “control group”. That’s science!

So far, no noticeable effect. I can report, though, that the magnets are not strong enough to make me stick to the office fridge.

Full report this evening.

Your human guinea pig,

–opus

Updates to follow….